yoga and rain and not sleeping....

I had a thought about a really great blog post for tonight. last night... well... you know what I mean.


But instead, it's now practically two am and it's raining soooo hard that even though I am tired, I am just not getting the hang of this sleep thing tonight. It's tempting... just to stay up because before you know it, the alarms will go off and i'll need to leave for work in 4 hours.


guess it's a few extra cups of coffee tomorrow... no decaf about it. and I'd better make sure to get my hands on protein too. it always helps me get through a day after staying up all night for whatever reason it is.


why tonight?


Well partly due to that rain that's pounding down and being way noisy... but also due to getting stuck reading something that I couldn't tear my eyes away from.  make that two somethings because I was reading a book in the hopes that it would make me sleepy but no such luck. just a firm realization that the book was #3 yes but there are apparently a few more to round out the series. *sigh* guess I'm increasing my book budget before the rent goes up. I really really want the books.


And they aren't free. nor are they available in half price books. ebook only.


Oh well.


I made brownies tonight. For Bible study tomorrow night. they smell fantastic.


And I started yoga this week. And am strangely pleased to state and admit that I am less sore today after my 2nd class then I was all day Tuesday and most of yesterday after the first class. unlimited month groupon... yay! have to try for another one some time because this 'month' is turning into a lot of slots that I may not be able to fit into. so it would probably be nice to have another one for a later class set.


Okay... enough for now.  Have to decide about the rain.  I mean it's not like I can make it stop anyway but do I ignore it and force sleep or ... ?  Not sure which option involves not missing the alarms and making it to work on time.  lol

It feels like spring... but it isn't...

It is far too early for this girl to be thinking about baseball. But the weather has been springlike and a few flowers have been poking their heads out and blooming already.


Today's drizzle may have beaten them down a bit, but I will have to check when I go out walking this weekend.


I've recovered from last week's melancholy mood... and have found my appetite lacking which is a plus from the watching my weight point of view. I managed to skip soda entirely over the weekend so that was a good 3 day break from my limit. I also have managed to avoid the candy dishes for two days in a row and am considering making it 3. There will be cheesecake for dessert at bible study tomorrow night and avoiding the candy dish will make that piece of dessert all the more rewarding.


The detractors are ... girl scout cookies. my presale order has been bought and delivered. Big plus? I have not devoured the entire box of Samoa's yet... the thin mints are safe and so are the savannah smiles. :) I'll leave them strictly at work so that I don't get tempted to finish them off at home this weekend.  I am also capable of limiting my inhaling of the Ginger Wasabi chips that have finally made it to grocery stores. Can I avoid stocking up while they are 2/$5 at safeway? Doubtful. But right now, I have one open bag and one bag good through 4/21 so I will probably keep stalking them at the store and buying later expire dates as needed until it is FOR sure that they are on the shelf all the time. I cannot believe how long it has taken them to show up in the store. I was about to give up on them.


Still haven't found the new Ben and Jerry's flavors. May need to make a stop at Target to see if they show up there, or maybe a Walmart stop this weekend to see.


I know, I know... no where near as exciting as last week's lashing out against 'heart n flower n chocolate n kissing' day ... *shrug*  we've already established I have to be pretty emotional to have a deep, deep ... soul searching post.  lol

It's just another day...

So...


Tomorrow, is Valentine's day.


Not exactly a special day when you're single.


as in... not dating... no plans, no nothing going on. 


I just can't get into it this year. Normally, I would go all out... dig out my heart sprinkles and bake up a few batches of cookies or cupcakes. Even if I have to cheat and start with store bought cookie dough, those edges get rolled in sprinkles or dunked in them before baking and there would be something taken to work to share with my co-workers. But not this year, I just couldn't seem to be bothered.


Maybe it was the wreath I was frantically working on to finish for a birthday present or maybe the house cleaning that was done in a whirlwind before my parents came to visit today for the weekend.


Maybe it's because I'm 40.


I'd like to blame that...


Maybe it's because I'm starting to realize that a day of hearts, flowers and romance is  designed to be a painful stab in the heart for a single person who's never had a special valentine or anything at all that resembled special plans.


No one to present those flowers an chocolate and arrange a special romantic evening.


Never. and I mean NEVER... (the Rock means Never... lol) Never ever ever... if you anticipate that perhaps the first valentine's date or special treatment happens at 15, well. boy howdy... I have 25 years of waiting for something special to do under my belt and quite frankly... it doesn't look like it's ever going to happen.


I just buy my own chocolate.


I'm holding out this year. I'll buy it after ... when it's on sale. At least for stocking up the work candy dish and hoping to find special kisses or pb cups to use in special baking projects later.  But usually I have a tendency to eat the whole box in one sitting if I buy a heart box. and then 'hate' myself for it after ... usually around bedtime when I'm so keyed up on sugar and self loathing that I am awake for hours on end with no sleep in site.


I truly want to be successful in my weight loss goals this year. So this is a HUGE part of why I am not starting the self medicating ... for broken hearted purposes... chocolate cures everything, don't doubt me, just buy into it please. (Harry Potter quote here - eat it, it will help - Lupin, about chocolate ... for almost any reason... lol) So I am determined to not indulge in the large box of candy and the required 2 pints of ice cream... 2 liter of soda and as many fried foods as I can tolerate in one weekend..... as my previous endeavors have included... in favor of continuing to watch it.


My parents being here does go a long way towards my monitoring of the situation. While there will be meals out and choices to be made, I won't sit wallowing in my own spot with my candies at hand and eating them.


I'd have to share.


which may just mean that I could splurge on a 1/2 pound box of Scotch Mallows at See's.


They are just expensive enough that I am able to stop at one. and company means sharing. so... we'll see.


I'm not sure if I've given proper voice to what I am feeling about this day.


What I do know is that my thought process for this post has had my stomach in knots for 2 days and drove me to tears while trying to express myself.  ah, yes... more than once today actually.


It is so hard... so HARD... to write this and face the fact that ... what it all boils down to for me is the need to deal with the pain and envy that I feel.


Pain... and envy.


all around me at work today there were happy people with plans for special evenings...special weekend plans, wanting and needing to spoil their significant others.  I don't have that. I make no plans... even without parents visiting... well... no plans for the weekend for me.


I'm just not someone that is considered worthy enough.  weekend worthy is what I called it once.  When someone falls in love with you and decides that they can't not spend time on the weekends without you. getting engaged and getting married is supposed to be securing you a lifetime of being considered weekend worthy because they are choosing you forever.


I can't figure out how being the girl guys love to hang out with... being a fan of football, basketball and baseball as well as hockey and pro wrestling... certainly used to win me brownie points and make me be that ultimate guys girl. and I had plenty of guys mind you that I could talk about these things with.  But why isn't that the girl they want to settle down with and marry?


Was it mostly due to the fact that those guys were already 1. seriously dating or 2 engaged or 3. married. or ... 4... *grimace*  um... likes the same guys you do... sort of situation.  I refuse to be the other woman. I would HATE to be dumped for 'the other woman' so ... what right do I have to try and poach another girl's guy? even if I do watch and love pro wrestling more than she does, it wouldn't be right so I have always immediately declared them off limits and would do my best to not hang my heart out on my sleeve around them.


Was it appearance? Granted I've been overweight for years but I'd like to think that I am remotely attractive enough to catch someone's attention.  anyone?


Single people that are steady dating anyone ... can't possibly understand.  They used to tell me dating wasn't all it was cracked up to be and I wasn't missing anything but a lot of heartache.


Um, excuse me. my experience wouldn't necessarily have been the same as yours so don't tell me that I'm missing out on the pain when there's nothing that says I'd actually experience that.


Married people sometimes tell me it still isn't all it's cracked up to be and I'm not missing out on anything.  I grant them a bit of grace with that response because just as they don't know my life ... I don't honestly know what happens in their home when they are just home as a family with no company - me - around.


Realistically you don't get to tell me that at all because yeah... remember the pain and envy? yeah, I'm still that girl.


It does hurt me... you have someone that you love or at least loved, enough to marry and have a life with. you have kids (or not) ... you have a - usually- second income that can help with paying bills. You might have a house, and not an apartment that has a rent increase every year... you have someone to talk to. someone to fight with, laugh with and love. LOVE LOvE LOVE.  (it really stings though if you're on your second or third marriage. LOL... c'mon now... you should have to find me someone to go out with before you take on another marriage, it's never fair that people go back for seconds before everyone gets a chance to have firsts.)


envy. you have so much and I have so little other than to stress and worry about getting all my bills paid on time.


and you have kids.  it's so hard for me. I've always had that maternal instinct... I wanted to be a mama... now... *shrug*  not sure it would actually happen for me even if I did find someone. it's hard to hang on to all your hopes and dreams when it seems like everything is squeezing down to a tiny little tunnel and if you're not careful... someday... you'll be lucky to get out of the tunnel alive.


I don't know what I'd do on a date, I don't have a clue about going to go find one. Please don't say online dating sites ... I do have profiles on almost all of them and in the... oh... 4 or 5 years that has been the case.... let's not even talk about the lack of response.  it's hard to get a date when no one shows any interest in you.


Story of my life, honestly.


I apparently have a gift to give my husband someday... one that many many people say they wish they could have given to their mate.  Please... just don't admire me... don't tell me that. don't put me up on a pedestal too often as a role model or example... It hurts.  Totally hurts to be 40 and realize that sure, I've got that going for me but it's not like I had to try very hard to remain this way. In case no one has noticed from what was said earlier in this post... it's not like I've had to refuse or turn guys away at my door or threaten them with a baseball bat.


It's simple to remain pure for your future mate when there isn't anyone hanging around trying to become your mate.  and it's often clear that even when you go out in an attempt to find and secure a mate of your own... that you aren't getting any attention so no one wants to be with you like that.


Please understand... if anyone is reading this... that I do not begrudge you anything. I like to see happy and loving people. I love you, I love your kids, I love the feeling of being included and appreciate it when people do welcome me with open arms into their families... to their churches or bible studies. it helps me a lot.  It just hurts because I try so hard not to be envious of what I don't have... and it's a huge struggle.


so accept me and love me for who I am.  Because I accept and love you for who you are too. 


is it seriously past the time for arranged marriages?  Long lost marriage contracts?


Oh well. I will just go on being who I am and doing what I like.


why isn't the chocolate on sale yet... ?

Cupcakes, Cupcakes..... cupcakes?

Let's talk cupcakes.


A very fitting subject for this week after a disappointing outcome to the Superbowl. But I digress... it's almost time for Baseball... and I know the Mariner's will provide appropriate excitement to take us all the way to the start of Football season again. Add in 2 vacations and some weekends away and oh yeah, I'll be set.


So... cupcakes. 


Salted Caramel cupcakes to be exact.  Now, I probably don't have to actually say that I adore cupcakes. collect cupcakes and cupcake things. They're just perfect... and cute. and usually for the most part, at least the ones you can eat are totally yummy.


So, a favorite flavor of mine is Salted Caramel and there were 2 cupcake stores in the area that I've had the chance to extensively sample and this week I popped into the 3rd place, that I'd noticed is now selling cupcakes and French macarons in addition to doughnuts now. So I thought I'd drop a bit of money and try a few things. 


Word to the wise... make sure your service person GIVES YOU THE CUPCAKES YOU WANT!  Fortunately, it was a buy 2 get one free day and since they gave me one I cannot stand - RED VELVET ...  yuck. seriously. if I'd actually wanted it I would have actually ordered it.


The side note is - the macron's are fantastic and I am going to be hard pressed to remind myself that they are too expensive and too out of my way to get a macron fix. But they were super yummy and a total match to the ones at honore.


But again, I digress.


Salted Caramel Comparison was the point here. And I am totally ready to weigh in on my favorites.


First up... Cupcake Royale. Now... the best part about this one for me is the frosting. It's a lovely thick caramel ganache almost... oooh... so good I'd like to just eat an entire bowl of it with a spoon. The chocolate cupcake isn't bad, it's a bit too dense for my liking. I do like their cupcakes but all in all they are usually too dense. This one comes with small dark chocolate curls and visible sprinkling of salt crystals on top.


Next... Pinkabella cupcakes.  I like the frosting, its' a caramel buttercream drizzled with caramel and sprinkled with sea salt. But what I truly love about the Pinkabella cupcakes is the cake is really good. nice and soft, not too dense or dry. To be honest, I've always wanted the cupcake royale caramel frosting on top of the Pinkabella cupcake. ... :)


and this week's audition to get in the ranks... Frost... To be honest... totally disappointed. The cupcake is dry and barely more than a cake mix ... seemingly. The frosting is uninspired. It doesn't appear to be a caramel butter cream and I'd have to say that ... if I guess... it's almost more of a whipped cream frosting that is usually found piped into the center of a Bismarck in their donut case than suitable for being on top of a cupcake.  It was drizzled with caramel and sprinkled with salt. There may or may not have been a caramel filling in the cupcake. if there was, there wasn't enough of it because THAT would have redeemed what I was thinking about the cupcake itself. 


So there you have it... I'd still like cupcake royale's frosting on the pinkabella cupcake... or maybe Trophy's cupcake. hmm. I will have to check the Pacific Place cupcake spot tomorrow. I can't remember if I've had a salted caramel from them.


Hmm... I could go to cupcake royale too and see about just getting some frosting. hmm. Or a bacon crack chocolate chip cookie.


Ohh ohhh... being downtown will be dangerous to my diet tomorrow. I also have a huge addiction and weakness for the divinity cookies at the Pike Place Bakery... mmm... those are things from my childhood. The bakery in town used to make them and it's been years since I have had them consistently. I do absolutely need to find a recipe and get cracking on them... they need to be shared.


This counts as this week's blog post... I honestly just forgot to blog yesterday... this is the one I planned though. :)