The whole idea behind starting this blog and having theme songs this year was supposed to help me analyze myself and go deep in exploring my feelings. yada yada yada.
But ...
I haven't exactly felt as inspired to open myself up like that lately. as in the entire year. seriously.
Had the thought for this while driving home for Christmas and now it's March 13th... I'm posting a day late this week but it's okay... I can let that go. :) lol ... and I am forcing myself a bit because I really truly want to apply this song to my life and have things make sense. So... here we go. not the whole song at once but the first verse at least. :) just a little something deep ... ish... (oh and minor freak out though - I held a baby tonight. yay me. and yay him for being such a precious little guy. 3 or 4 weeks between holding him is too long though. :( )
This song is by Addison Road - and it speaks to me any time I hear it. I'm just usually not in the right spot to write anything down about it.
I made you promises a thousand times.
I tried to hear from heaven, but I talked the whole time
I think I made you too small, I never feared you at all, no
If you touched my face, would I know you?
Looked into my eyes, could I behold you?
Okay. first line first... but first background. It's a conversation with God. It's a truly introspective thought provoking song about having a conversation with God about figuring out just what we know about him - What do I know of Holy?? (Serious... this song brings me to my knees every time. just hits you...)
I made you promises a thousand times ...
I have tried. Tried so hard to rid my life of the sin that I can easily fall into when left to my own devices. Because let's face it, I'm single and not getting any younger and the things I thought my life would be have not necessarily turned out the way I'd been hoping they would.
I am not totally disappointed by this. I do find things and reasons in my life that make me happy - holding babies for instance. Going on the vacations that I want to go on. Making my own choices and my own decisions and knowing that for the most part, my decisions are mine. the results and consequences are mine. All on me. Can't blame anyone else for what happens to me when you're the one and only person in charge of the decisions. So yes. When I go on a kick to reinvent myself, I make promises. that are slightly hard to keep myself accountable for because I am just one person ... so I make promises to God. I think we all do. I'll do this if you let me do that. I will change this piece of me because it will make me feel better and less guilty of the things I want to hide in the depths of my heart and not let you - God- into them.
I tried to hear from heaven, but I talked the whole time.
Be still and know that I am God. That verse comes to mind because in spite of all the time I spend by myself... lost in my own thoughts... I have a hard time being still. And it's still not just in sitting still and not moving but in calming yourself and not thinking.
No TV... no computer, kindle or phone. No Trivia Crack or catching up on At Midnight or a version of NCIS. No books that allow me to live vicariously through them as I read about things I long about... yes, totally a closet, secret trashy romance novel. Yay me for writing it down as an admission.
Asking or praying about things is always a good idea but if you are not listening to the answer... not listening FOR the answer before moving forward, well... somehow, some day... some where... it will be such an apparent directive from heaven that I will have no choice but to fall silent and truly listen.
I think I made you too small, I never feared you at all, no
I grew up in the church. I went to youth group and summer church camp and sang in the church choir.
I went to a Christian college and hold a double degree in Bible and Church Music Ministry. I played piano for chapel and worship services. I sang ... I participated... I listened to only Christian music...
I had ... and still have... a hard time giving a testimony. Everyone else had these testimonies... falling away from God... drugs/alcohol/intimacy ... issues that kept them away from God until one day they woke up and realized that wasn't what they wanted to be doing with their life... that nothing felt right without God and they came back to him.
I think I struggled with this because I never had those moments. Heck, I'm 40 and I still haven't had those moments. ... sure ... I've spent more time out of church than in church over the last 5 years. I think I let that happen because - surprise surprise... I didn't fear God... I have his presence in my life and I know he loves me and forgives me when I ask for forgiveness for straying away.
I lost focus. I was going to churches that I felt more comfortable and people knew me and that was all fine until it felt stifling. That people just wanted to know what was going on with me not because they cared but because I perceived that they wanted to hurt me with that knowledge, that they would immediately gossip about me somehow and that made me feel uncomfortable and I chose to just be busy and find other things. My testimony in college ended up being about how I felt I wore a mask when I was at church because I was an Elder's kid and to be honest, there was more pressure on that then on being a preachers kid because the Elders are the ones that are supposed to be making the judgement calls when it comes to what the preacher ... and the image and reflection that the kids give towards the preacher... are up to the elders to discipline and it always felt heavy to feel like I couldn't screw up or act out because it would reflect badly on my dad.
If you touched my face, would I know you?
The bare bones admission to getting to know myself- the key, if you will, to this whole finding myself experience 2015 ... is... that over the past few years, when I lost my identity in the church because I no longer was needed to play the piano .... singing became more of a chore because someone else got the job I wanted and now ... was being forced to spend time under their extended leadership because I resented them and everything that was being pulled out at the time. I can say it now. I resented it big time, it felt like a huge slap in the face.
a betrayal.
I was the college senior, wanting and needing to land this job to prove that what I've learned wasn't for nothing. Only to have the job yanked away... given to the faculty advisor who was supposed to be advising me of how to turn my internship into a job. *sigh*
oh I struggled with that resentment for years. at the time it was months but oh how frustrating. As I started to come out of those feelings... it just skewed my whole vision of what life was supposed to be and how I was supposed to minister to people... something that I've barely managed to be able to start to figure out now- 18 years later.
I am still hesitant to confident that I would know God's touch if he touched me on the face. Touching a face is so intimate. It's a connection. Something a single girl longs for - contact with someone who loves you.
Looked into my eyes, could I behold you?
would that touch on the face lead into turning my eyes up to see who was there... would I be allowed to view God in all his glory?
Am I honestly that worthy?
Be still and know that I am God...
I know this. I do not need to look into God's eyes or have him look into mine to see him in everything.
Sunrise and sunset. the joy of a child's gleeful laugh at something that tickles their funny bone. holding a baby close and cuddling them... kissing soft baby foreheads and soothing them when they fuss. Because seriously? what's closer to God than a newborn?
....
Good friends who are your shoulder to lean on and you are their shoulder to lean on in return.
You can choose to see God in everything... to seek him out ... to take off your shoes in that holy place when you find it - I used to love taking long walks along the beach just before sunset. the waves crashing ... stars starting to twinkle in the sky above as the moon started to rise. Heading inland to slip into the back rows of bonfire to sing and commune with others in the presence of God.
This song lays into you... cuts you to shreds when you aren't feeling close enough to God in your deepest heart of hearts. He sees those spots you know... and choses to ignore then until you are ready and willing to bring them to him and lay them at his feet and ask for forgivness.
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