So...
Tomorrow, is Valentine's day.
Not exactly a special day when you're single.
as in... not dating... no plans, no nothing going on.
I just can't get into it this year. Normally, I would go all out... dig out my heart sprinkles and bake up a few batches of cookies or cupcakes. Even if I have to cheat and start with store bought cookie dough, those edges get rolled in sprinkles or dunked in them before baking and there would be something taken to work to share with my co-workers. But not this year, I just couldn't seem to be bothered.
Maybe it was the wreath I was frantically working on to finish for a birthday present or maybe the house cleaning that was done in a whirlwind before my parents came to visit today for the weekend.
Maybe it's because I'm 40.
I'd like to blame that...
Maybe it's because I'm starting to realize that a day of hearts, flowers and romance is designed to be a painful stab in the heart for a single person who's never had a special valentine or anything at all that resembled special plans.
No one to present those flowers an chocolate and arrange a special romantic evening.
Never. and I mean NEVER... (the Rock means Never... lol) Never ever ever... if you anticipate that perhaps the first valentine's date or special treatment happens at 15, well. boy howdy... I have 25 years of waiting for something special to do under my belt and quite frankly... it doesn't look like it's ever going to happen.
I just buy my own chocolate.
I'm holding out this year. I'll buy it after ... when it's on sale. At least for stocking up the work candy dish and hoping to find special kisses or pb cups to use in special baking projects later. But usually I have a tendency to eat the whole box in one sitting if I buy a heart box. and then 'hate' myself for it after ... usually around bedtime when I'm so keyed up on sugar and self loathing that I am awake for hours on end with no sleep in site.
I truly want to be successful in my weight loss goals this year. So this is a HUGE part of why I am not starting the self medicating ... for broken hearted purposes... chocolate cures everything, don't doubt me, just buy into it please. (Harry Potter quote here - eat it, it will help - Lupin, about chocolate ... for almost any reason... lol) So I am determined to not indulge in the large box of candy and the required 2 pints of ice cream... 2 liter of soda and as many fried foods as I can tolerate in one weekend..... as my previous endeavors have included... in favor of continuing to watch it.
My parents being here does go a long way towards my monitoring of the situation. While there will be meals out and choices to be made, I won't sit wallowing in my own spot with my candies at hand and eating them.
I'd have to share.
which may just mean that I could splurge on a 1/2 pound box of Scotch Mallows at See's.
They are just expensive enough that I am able to stop at one. and company means sharing. so... we'll see.
I'm not sure if I've given proper voice to what I am feeling about this day.
What I do know is that my thought process for this post has had my stomach in knots for 2 days and drove me to tears while trying to express myself. ah, yes... more than once today actually.
It is so hard... so HARD... to write this and face the fact that ... what it all boils down to for me is the need to deal with the pain and envy that I feel.
Pain... and envy.
all around me at work today there were happy people with plans for special evenings...special weekend plans, wanting and needing to spoil their significant others. I don't have that. I make no plans... even without parents visiting... well... no plans for the weekend for me.
I'm just not someone that is considered worthy enough. weekend worthy is what I called it once. When someone falls in love with you and decides that they can't not spend time on the weekends without you. getting engaged and getting married is supposed to be securing you a lifetime of being considered weekend worthy because they are choosing you forever.
I can't figure out how being the girl guys love to hang out with... being a fan of football, basketball and baseball as well as hockey and pro wrestling... certainly used to win me brownie points and make me be that ultimate guys girl. and I had plenty of guys mind you that I could talk about these things with. But why isn't that the girl they want to settle down with and marry?
Was it mostly due to the fact that those guys were already 1. seriously dating or 2 engaged or 3. married. or ... 4... *grimace* um... likes the same guys you do... sort of situation. I refuse to be the other woman. I would HATE to be dumped for 'the other woman' so ... what right do I have to try and poach another girl's guy? even if I do watch and love pro wrestling more than she does, it wouldn't be right so I have always immediately declared them off limits and would do my best to not hang my heart out on my sleeve around them.
Was it appearance? Granted I've been overweight for years but I'd like to think that I am remotely attractive enough to catch someone's attention. anyone?
Single people that are steady dating anyone ... can't possibly understand. They used to tell me dating wasn't all it was cracked up to be and I wasn't missing anything but a lot of heartache.
Um, excuse me. my experience wouldn't necessarily have been the same as yours so don't tell me that I'm missing out on the pain when there's nothing that says I'd actually experience that.
Married people sometimes tell me it still isn't all it's cracked up to be and I'm not missing out on anything. I grant them a bit of grace with that response because just as they don't know my life ... I don't honestly know what happens in their home when they are just home as a family with no company - me - around.
Realistically you don't get to tell me that at all because yeah... remember the pain and envy? yeah, I'm still that girl.
It does hurt me... you have someone that you love or at least loved, enough to marry and have a life with. you have kids (or not) ... you have a - usually- second income that can help with paying bills. You might have a house, and not an apartment that has a rent increase every year... you have someone to talk to. someone to fight with, laugh with and love. LOVE LOvE LOVE. (it really stings though if you're on your second or third marriage. LOL... c'mon now... you should have to find me someone to go out with before you take on another marriage, it's never fair that people go back for seconds before everyone gets a chance to have firsts.)
envy. you have so much and I have so little other than to stress and worry about getting all my bills paid on time.
and you have kids. it's so hard for me. I've always had that maternal instinct... I wanted to be a mama... now... *shrug* not sure it would actually happen for me even if I did find someone. it's hard to hang on to all your hopes and dreams when it seems like everything is squeezing down to a tiny little tunnel and if you're not careful... someday... you'll be lucky to get out of the tunnel alive.
I don't know what I'd do on a date, I don't have a clue about going to go find one. Please don't say online dating sites ... I do have profiles on almost all of them and in the... oh... 4 or 5 years that has been the case.... let's not even talk about the lack of response. it's hard to get a date when no one shows any interest in you.
Story of my life, honestly.
I apparently have a gift to give my husband someday... one that many many people say they wish they could have given to their mate. Please... just don't admire me... don't tell me that. don't put me up on a pedestal too often as a role model or example... It hurts. Totally hurts to be 40 and realize that sure, I've got that going for me but it's not like I had to try very hard to remain this way. In case no one has noticed from what was said earlier in this post... it's not like I've had to refuse or turn guys away at my door or threaten them with a baseball bat.
It's simple to remain pure for your future mate when there isn't anyone hanging around trying to become your mate. and it's often clear that even when you go out in an attempt to find and secure a mate of your own... that you aren't getting any attention so no one wants to be with you like that.
Please understand... if anyone is reading this... that I do not begrudge you anything. I like to see happy and loving people. I love you, I love your kids, I love the feeling of being included and appreciate it when people do welcome me with open arms into their families... to their churches or bible studies. it helps me a lot. It just hurts because I try so hard not to be envious of what I don't have... and it's a huge struggle.
so accept me and love me for who I am. Because I accept and love you for who you are too.
is it seriously past the time for arranged marriages? Long lost marriage contracts?
Oh well. I will just go on being who I am and doing what I like.
why isn't the chocolate on sale yet... ?
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